Currently Spark By Marty Ehrlich & Myra Melford see related

The Last Two Years

I can't believe it's been that long. I was actually looking for something which prompted me to get back on here and as I read through my posts, I'm filled with dear memories. Well, the last two years have been some of the most lonely times I've ever known. And they're almost over. I'm getting married in ten weeks, which is incredible (especially for those of you who knew the girl in the rest of those posts). It's taken these lonely two years for God to prepare me for marriage I think, and to realize what a gift He's given me. It hasn't been easy. But I trust that God knows what He's doing. It has been easy to fall in love, though. God has given me this guy who loves Him, challenges me, sacrifices for me, and wants to get to know me more every day. I've never had a relationship like this. He's also a great kisser (perk!). Sure, I've been busy the last two years. I'm graduation again in five weeks. I've become an excellent nurse, I'm friends with my mom again.

And you know what? I'm still apprehensive. Why is that? Why do I not what to leave this place although I don't like where I am? What am I scared to move to Houston? I don't know.

Hmm... I used to be this girl who wasn't afraid of anything and wanted to run away to another continent. What has done this to me? Is this what happens when you grow up? Is this what responsiblities do to you? Or is it something else?

Currently Reading Mosby's Guide to Physical Examination (Mosby's Guide to Physical Examination (Seidel)) By Henry M. Seidel, Jane Ball, Joyce Dains, G. William Benedict see related

Chapter 5

Currently Listening Brave By Nichole Nordeman, Jay Joyce - Prodycer, Brad O'Donnell - Executive Producer Live see related

People tell me that I don't know the impact I have had in the lives of my girls, and quite frankly, I don't buy it. I think it's a cop out to make me feel better about all of the work I've pour into them.

It's been a painful and repetitive learning process for me this year. I had such high aspirations in the beginning for ways that my group was going to grow and learn and change the world. Then I met them, and my aspirations had to change. They weren't the typical group of girls I expected to find here. Actually, according to the authorities that be, the whole lot of them were set to a completely different caliper than the rest. So... I sought advice, I prayed intensely, I created activities, I facilitated discussion, I poured everything, and I was left weeping deeply- wondering where I'd gone wrong. A certain someone told me that it wasn't my job to change them and I did not like that answer. So I kept working, praying, creating, facilitating, pouring... and weeping. 

It was about that time that Erin did an object lesson with all the leaders. It was very simple. We were going to plant a seed, tend to it, and watch it grow. The pot I received already had the verse "...So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow" mod-podged on the side. And I knew that this project was going to be the perfect representation of how much work I've done, and that God was going to show me that something will grow from this pot, even though I may not see it reflected in my group. So I planted my seed and watered it, and put it in the sunshine, and talked to it, and even brought it home with me for spring break.

I still have the barren pot.

Now, I am most certainly not going to sit here and say either way that God did or did not chose to use me this year in the life of my girls. But it did take the whole year, and the wasteland of a potted plant, to teach me that it is not my job to change these girls. For as difficult as it has been for me to learn, I have come to terms with the reality that if everything I did for these girls passed right over their heads (which is how it seems), my job was still done well... and I think that God is pleased with it. Sigh... Maybe the growth that God had in mind this year was for me.

Currently Reading The Weight of Glory By C. S. Lewis see related

I went for a walk last night. It was so clear.

Now, I was at the park and it was right about that time when dusk settles and your eyes have a hard time adjusting to the difference of the soft darkness and the lights that are beginning to shine too bright too quickly. I hate driving at dusk too. I feel like it's just really hard on my eyes. The air caused problems too. The awkward not-quite-spring temperature cast a bit of a foggy haze in the air and it seemed as if everything was covered with a sheet of wax paper. Like heavy fog was maybe coming, but it canceled during scene one.

God and I talked for a long time about where I am right now in life, what I'm doing, and who I'm walking with.

I'm pretty sure I walked around squinting the whole time because not a thing in that park was visible. Now, I will also be the first to admit that my eyes are probably not where the standard is set, nor do most people have any idea what I'm talking about when I complain about the light- But I couldn't see a thing...

...then again, I don't remember when the last time was that life was that clear.